Hopefully Part 1 helped you to recognise your default ways of dealing with emotional pain. As I mentioned there are intuitive clues in our default ways of how to process emotional pain in a healthier way.
However, this blog would be HUGE if I listed all the ways, mainly because we are all so unique, so OUR way can be unique too.
THE FIRST STEP: SELF-AWARENESS
Becoming informed of your emotional world by working with a therapist, or education through articles like this blog are the beginnings of your journey to becoming more self-aware. As I have said many times before, sadly we are NOT taught this stuff at school, and it is a skill that's learnt. So don't be hard on yourself!
The second step to self-awareness is intentionally STOPPING, even just for 5 mins in your day to tune into your emotions. Our bodies give us sensory data about our emotions, so when we are rushing around DOING and THINKING its harder for us to recognise what our emotions are saying.. Leading to 1) Pushing it down! Deny & Be Strong. We all need to DO things in our day, and function in our rational, but when we give space to STOP we can place the emotions on the 'STOP TIME' shelf, rather than deny and swallow.
2) Eat our Feelings As I have mentioned our bodies supply us with sensory/emotional data. So when you stop in your day, or if you notice the sensation at a different point, be inquisitive, ask it
"What feeling are you?" In my experience this stomach feeling can often indicate FEAR/ANXIETY. Once you have pinpointed the emotion you can ask it "What it needs or What is the feeling about?" Looking at the rational/irrational of this may help minimise the stomach feeling.
I would also suggest a couple of things to help with the physical sensations that can hang around for a bit, even if you've done the cognitive work.
i) Belly Breathing/Square Breathing coupled with visualising the stomach relaxing when you breathe out.
ii) If you have a wheat bag you warm in the microwave, or a hot water bottle, warm these and hold on your stomach. Warmth causes us to relax.
As with 2) 3)Numb them out when these coping mechanisms start to 'control' us and/or there is a dependency on substances either physically or psychological, it is essential that you access professional help. I would recommend your first port of call be your GP.
4) & 5) Project/Blame other & Blame ourselves More that the other defaults these tend to be REACTIVE. What do I mean by that? I mean that they are done on the spur of the moment, without stopping to breathe or think first. They are often our unconscious beliefs reacting to a situation and we want to shift the feeling asap. So STOPPING to give ourselves the space to process is SOOOO essential in this. Ask yourself "What am I saying to myself either about the situation, the person or about myself?", "What am I saying to myself about who has what responsibility?" "What might be happening for the other person?" The reason for the questions is because in any communication or conflict situation THERE ARE SEVERAL PERSPECTIVES AND SEVERAL INTERNAL NARRATIVES ,THEREFORE NO-ONE IS FULLY TO BLAME FOR A SITUATION
where there are 2 or more people involved.
Sadly if we take full responsibility for something, it often turns quickly into SHAME because it connects with a faulty self-belief. Shame is destructive/toxic and can lead to many self damaging behaviours
I feel I've hardly been able to touch the surface of this subject as it is so complex, but I just wanted to give you an additional tip for when you STOP! in your day. Get your thoughts and emotions out either in a journal, a personal VLOG, voice note or through art. (Shifting through physical exercise is also really effective if not taken to extremes.)
These will enable you to see negative patterns and faulty beliefs so you can be empowered to change them. It will also record your successes when you do.
If you would like to explore this process further with some guidance, do contact me through my contact form and we can book some time to do that. I trust that this has given you a place to start.
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