From the moment we are born from the safety of the womb, we begin to absorb our environment. That environment teaches us about what is, and is not safe. Also how to get our emotional, physical and psychological needs met.
All this happens within the confines of our core relationships, therefore teaching us how relationships work. This is often called our 'Attachment Style'. As we progress in life, we experience all types of relationships with others of different attachments that can cause hurt and add to our 'relationship rules'.
How does this fit with the 'Position of Protection Predicament'? 99.9% of the couples that come to me for counselling are stuck in the PPP cycle. Meaning that their attachment styles are clashing/conflicting and triggering them into their learnt PROTECTION POSITION & behaviours. These closely parallel the trauma reactions of Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn because, when we feel unsafe in our relationship our brains perceive this as a threat.
What does this look like? Withdrawal, Defensiveness, Criticism, being overly Adaptive and pleasing with a huge cost to the individual, Control, Co-Dependency, Fear of being away from partner.
How to break the cycle? First, find a good therapist who can help you to find out what your attachment type is. Ok, so as a therapist that might sound like an obvious first response, but we are trained to help you identify these correctly, and also the protective responses.
Your therapist will help you to understand how the 'relationship rules' were formed, and facilitate you choosing new ones that work for you and the relationship you want.
Look to gain empathy for and understanding of your partners protection position. This will naturally reduce your safety response... making the less well known, or the confusion more understood.
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